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Phrases Commonly Found in Science Research Papers...

...along with translations into ordinary English:

This list of phrases and their translations (definitions) might help you understand the mysterious language of science in general and medicine / biology specifically. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation, academic paper or journal article at a university anywhere on earth.

Research Phrases	Translation / Meaning
It has long been known ...	I didn't look up the original reference.
A definite trend is evident ...	These data are practically meaningless.
Of great theoretical and practical importance ...	Interesting to me.
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions ...	An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study ...	The results of the others didn't make any sense.
Typical results are shown ...	This is the prettiest graph.
These results will be shown in a subsequent report...	I might get around to this sometime, if I'm pushed / funded.
The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones ...	He was my graduate assistant.
It is believed that...	I think.
It is generally believed that ...	A couple of other people think so, too.
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs ...	I don't understand it.
Correct within an order of magnitude ...	Wrong.
In my experience ...	Once.
In case after case ...	Twice.
In a series of cases ...	Thrice.
According to statistical analysis.	Rumor has it.
A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings.	A wild guess.
Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable discussions ...	Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.
A careful analysis of obtainable data...	Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of wine.
It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field ...	I quit.

Quips...

Said by Steven Wright, via reader Jim M.:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend...But she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired...

Via reader Jim M.:

An old man went to a job interview, given by the human resources manager.  The conversation went like this:

Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man: “Honesty.”
Manager: “I don't think honesty is a weakness!”
Old Man: “I really don't give a shit what you think.”

Morning Funnies...

Via my mom:

Far Worse than Carbon Dioxide...

At a news conference in Washington today, President Obama announced that he is directing the Environmental Protection Agency to act immediately to enforce a new set of regulations to limit emissions of dihydrogen oxide gas, or water vapor, one of the primary causes of catastrophic anthropogenic climate change.

“The world faces a crisis,” the president intoned, “and America must lead. We have taken the first step by limiting carbon emissions, but that cannot be effective unless we deal with the larger menace posed by dihydrogen oxide pollution as well. Since Congress has failed in its duty to pass the required laws, I, as president, am directing the EPA to move unilaterally to issue and enforce appropriate regulations.”

The importance of dealing quickly with the dihydrogen oxide crisis was dramatically made clear by EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy, who showed charts comparing current atmospheric CO2 levels, at 400 parts per million, with those of water vapor, which are now greater than 10,000 parts per million. “And not only do dihydrogen oxide levels exceed CO2 more than twenty times over,” Ms. McCarthy said, “but each molecule of DHO has greater greenhousing effect. So we need to get control of this without delay.”

That dihydrogen oxide is nasty stuff!

Read the whole thing...

Life in Space...

We're Doing It Wrong...

Via reader Jim M., who thinks there might be a bit or two of wisdom in here:

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Tweet of the Day...

Put down your morning drink, then read:

Today, the French renamed American Cheese to "Freedom Cheese"

Awesome.

For those of you who don't understand this: Americans renamed “French fries” to “freedom fries” in response to France's refusal to join with us in our invasion of Iraq in 2003.

Respect the Colorectal Surgeon...

Oh, If Only...

Via my mom:

Ah, Those Irishmen – Such Romantics!

Via my mom:

At the Irish wedding reception the disc jockey yelled:

"All married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Good Times...

You're a cow.  You've been in the barn all winter, but now it's spring and the pastures are full of tasty green grass.  The farmer comes to let you out to pasture for the first time:



From the Mt. Vernon, Texas News...

Forwarded by reader Simi L. I don't know if this is for real, but...I really don't care. By the way, put down your drink and swallow before reading this...

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding – with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

Tweet of the Day...

What could I possibly add to this?

You Know the Teacher was a Guy!

Via my mom:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

A Surface Nuisance...

George Carlin with a great monologue on a topic frequently seen here...

Sounds Perfectly Logical to Me...

But then, I'm a male.

Reader and friend Simon M. sent along this little story, which he says is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

Well, with a sample space of one (me), the assertion proved true.  The implication is that the story wouldn't seem logical to a female.  Debbie and I were at dinner when I received this email, so I read the story to her.  She said that it made no sense at all – she'd ask the same question as the wife in the story.


Fascinating...


If you try this yourself, please report the results in the comments!

Quote of the Day...

As seen on the “Book of Face”, via The Smallest Minority:

Obama wants Catholic institutions to provide birth control and abortions.  Does this mean he will force Muslims to serve alcohol and bacon?

Awesome.

Obama Cashes a Check...

Via my mom:

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.  Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.  So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?