Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Rachel and the Traffic Delay...

If you don't visit Rachael Lucas' place frequently, you're missing out on some good stuff. From a post she wrote today about a traffic problem she encountered:

And lo, what was the cause? The author of this trouble? The root/source/wellspring of this most infuriating pickle?

Why, of course. It was a young man “driving” along in a nondescript sedan while wearing his baseball cap backward on his head and…wait for it…TEXT MESSAGING ON HIS CELL PHONE.

I pulled up alongside him and glanced over to observe his complete and total tool-ness, and I will admit to the entire internet that I had hateful, violent thoughts of inflicting pain and suffering upon this jackass. For a brief moment, I fantasized about jerking my steering wheel to the left to run him off the road so that I could then get out of my car and kill him with my bare hands. Then I realized how much that scene would suck for me, what with the jail and the wrecked car and all.

Instead, I “calmly” motored past him, yelled the dirtiest curse words I know, and consoled myself with the thought of writing about this assplow on my blog.

The girl can rant, can't she?

Good word, “assplow”...

Email from My Mother...

Just received:


My own mother. Sniff.


Barrel of Bricks...

This is an oldie-but-goodie, well-documented by Snopes as a joke, not reality. But it's still funny as hell:

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650