His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Via Bill Gross. Hysterical! A few samples:
Reader Jim M. shares this observation:
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Sioux Indian tribe, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course....
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Via reader Simon M., who got it from his wife Carrie:
A college Professor stood on a chair and said “If God really exists then knock me off this chair.” Nothing happened, the class was quiet, so he said “See! now I'll give it a couple more minutes.” A Marine Vet stood up, punched him in the face knocking him out and off the chair, then sat back down. As the Professor came to he looked at his student and said “Why did you do that?” He said “God was busy protecting my buddies still fighting for your right to say and do stupid stuff like this so he sent me!”
Via my mom:
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100." The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?" One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".