Thursday, April 11, 2013

Reality Bites, Doesn't It, Al?

This one (via my mom) had Debbie and I laughing this morning...

When you've lost Bono, Al, you've pretty much lost them all...

Friends in England told me that this past winter – one of the coldest and snowiest there in many years – Al Gore was in London giving a speech right when the peak snowfall struck.  The famous dry English wit was then in full display – the “Gore Effect” (wherein if one wants cold weather, one simply books a speech by The Al) took England by storm...

Animal Funnies...

Via my mom.  In a household with four dogs and eight cats, you can bet that lots of these resonated with us!

On Aging...

Via my lovely bride, whose friend (?) sent these to her:
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Oh, Jeez, Don't Do This to Me!

This would seriously scare me, maybe to the heart-attack-is-imminent level:

But it's kind of fun watching it happen to someone else!

Mantis Shrimp...

You've probably never seen one of these shrimp, not even in an aquarium.  The Oatmeal explains why...and the answer is more interesting than you might think!