Sunday, January 2, 2011

TSA Statistics...

Via my mom:
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered     0
Transvestites                133
Hernias                    1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases           3,172
Enlarged Prostates         8,249
Breast Implants           59,350
Natural Blondes                3

New Year's Wishes for My Friends...

Also passed along by Jim M.:
My Wishes for You in 2011:

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips.

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

May the problems you had, forget your home address.

In simple words, may 2011 be the best year of your life!

The Brothel...

This little story comes from reader Jim M.:
The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Munich Jazz...

Franz M., my friend and fellow collector from Munich, Germany, sends along this video of a jazz band he and his wife Ellen saw on New Year's Day.  He said they were “as always, very beautiful”.  Their taste in jazz parallels my own: