Thursday, April 25, 2013

The True History of Grits...

Via cousin Mike D.:
The True History Of GRITS

What Are Grits?

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits Are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in the South, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for dinner and supper is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy ..
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
Add 5 Tbsps. of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore, for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverages to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's cream of wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.


May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.


Limnanthes douglasii

Common name “poached egg plant” or “yellow and white Douglas' meadowfoam”.  Native to northern California and Oregon, and occasionally further south.  My dad and I saw this in Lassen National Park about six years ago, before the big fires there.  Via BPOD, of course...

Bad News About Grandpa...

Via reader Simi L.:
An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.

After a while, the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.

“I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, dear God,” cried his wife.  “We've never had a liberal in the family before!”

Now We Know...

Now we know what Alexander Graham Bell actually sounded like...

Obamacare is for the Little People...

The little people like you and me.  Our betters don't want it, that's for sure.  Will they have the gall to pull this off?  Wouldn't surprise me one bit.

Note that both parties are talking about this.

Some assembly required.
Speed may be of the essence.

Parable of the Stones...

Here's a story about Steve Jobs that I hadn't heard before.  Read through the italicized part for the parable.

That parable resonates strongly with me.  Ideas are worth very little by themselves, and they're not the hard part of creating a product.  It's the execution that's hard – all the myriad of things that have to happen for a great product to be shipped.  Generally speaking, when you look back at the totality of what it took to ship a great product, the original idea for the product will seem like an insignificant part of the overall effort.  The parable is about the team that takes an idea to a beautifully executed product...

Out of Your Password Minder...

This is very funny, and though it's about a technical subject, it's presented in a way that would make sense to anyone.  Via Bruce Schneier...

She says that Password Minder is a real product, but I couldn't find it for sale online. I did, however, find an obsolete link for a product named "Password Minder" to a page on the TeleBrands site, so I suspect they've pulled the product after they realized what a dumb idea it was...

17 Shakespearian Insults...

Keep this list handy; it will be useful anytime you need to communicate with a politician or a bureaucrat.  My favorite is at right...

Boston Marathon Bombers' Mother...

First, listen to this interview with her:

Then read Rachel Lucas' reaction. She says it ever so much better than I could.

And yes, my hand did involuntarily levitate...

Three Years of the Sun... just three minutes!

You Just Never Know...

You just never know what might happen out in our corner of Lawson Valley.

Yesterday I was working under our offroad vehicle (an FJ Cruiser), installing some protective metal (a “lower link skid” over a vulnerable part of the rear suspension.  On my back, on the ground, wrenches in hand and working over my head, I heard an unlikely munching sound – much louder than I'd expect to hear from a rabbit or ground squirrel.  So I squirmed around until I could look in the direction of the munching, and what do I see?  Three goats and a llama, calmly munching away on one of our shrubs, not 20' away from me.

Good grief!

These animals weren't familiar to us, though we do know about one place about a mile away that has llamas and sheep, and maybe goats.  No tags were to be found, though the larger nanny goat had a fancy spiked collar that could have had a tag.  So I left a note in the mailbox of the known llama-keeper, and I put up a sign ("Found: 1 llama and 3 goats") at the intersection of Lawson Valley Road and Rudnick Road.  As of this morning, we got one call from someone whose pygmy goat was lost a couple months ago.  She was disappointed to hear that we didn't have her pygmy goat, but she offered to take these guys off our hands if we couldn't find the owner.  If the owner doesn't contact us by this afternoon, she and her kids are going to suddenly have an abundance of ornery animals!