Friday, April 6, 2012

Anger Management Really Does Work...

Via my mom:
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Quote of the Day...

Today from Peggy Noonan, the close of her column this week:
One misses that special grace. 
Yes, one does.  Read the whole thing...

Phased Array on a Chip...

Holy silicon wafers, Batman!  A collaboration between UCSD and TowerJazz has produced a working phased-array radar on a single silicon chip.  The chip is roughly a quarter inch on a side, and contains the entire radar: transmitters, amplifiers, phase shifters, and 16 (4 x 4) antenna elements.  It operates at 110 GHz.  Absolutely awesome! 

With just 16 elements, its directional gain won't be spectacular – but this is a lab experiment, a demonstration of concept.  It's not hard to predict that we'll see much larger arrays in short order, with correspondingly higher gains.

Almost 40 years ago, I was floating around on the ocean on an experimental platform for phased array radars.  The platform was the USS Long Beach (CGN-9), a nuclear powered cruiser.  It carried two phased array radars: the AN/SPS-32 and the AN/SPS-33.  These radars were huge, as you can see on the preceding link, which shows the big, flat antenna panels on the USS Enterprise (it had the identical pair of radars).  If I remember correctly, the AN/SPS-33 panels were each 20 feet wide by 25 feet high!  The electronics that drove those antennas filled an entire deck (story) of the superstructure, and took dozens of men to care and feed it.  I'd estimate that on the cruises I participated in, the AN/SPS-33 (which I worked on) was “up” (operational) less than 10% of the time.  Why so unreliable?  Mainly the sheer number of discrete systems, subsystems, parts, wires, etc. that all had to be perfectly functional for it to work.  All this on a ship rolling around in an atmosphere full of corrosive salt.

It's remarkable to read that this system that occupied perhaps 700 cubic yards has been shrunk to something smaller than a postage stamp...

Thought of the Day...

From Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert:
When robots become awesome and economical, no one will want to spend time with a smelly, inconvenient, annoying, overpriced human.
Read the whole thing...

Warmists Confounded: Polar Bears Not In Short Supply!

Oops.  There goes one pillar of The Gore's preaching...