Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Joy of Aging...

Our friend Dick F., who (however improbably) is even older than we are, passes along these:
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Flower Show...

My mom passed this along. When I was a young lad (in the last century), my family had a nursery, and displayed in the Philadelphia Flower Show each year.
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Dung Beetles...

Scott Adams (the Dilbert cartoonist) recently completed a new book derived from his blog. He titled it Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain! Continuing the theme, he held a contest on his blog for the best blurbs to put on the book's slip cover. Here's the runner-up:
Like a diligent little dung beetle, Adams slogs through the online jungle searching for fresh nuggets of news to polish into his daily blog entries. Some people say you can’t polish a turd, but after reading this book, I’d say they’re just not rubbing hard enough.
There are some very creative people reading that blog! Go read the whole thing, but make sure you swallow your coffee first…

Top Country-Western Hits...

George K. passes along these top country-western hits, slightly tongue-in-cheek (I think):

How can I miss you when you won't go away.

If the phone doesn't ring, you will know its me.

When you leave me walk out backwards so I'll think your coming back.

If I shot you when I wanted to I'd be out by now.

If you won't leave me alone I'll find someone that will.

I am so miserable without you it's almost like your here.

Take me out to the corn field honey and I'll kiss you between the ears.