Via my lovely bride:
Friday, July 13, 2012
Via my mom:
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blonds are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.."
Via my mom:
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive..
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in South Carolina) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear Is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
(you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, and parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia and...ALL of Washington DC.