Jumbo Mizzenmasts...

Iowahawk has a scoop: an article from our future, about the automobiles we're all going to be driving if the Democrat's agenda is implemented. Here's how it starts:

It's in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It's that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.

We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.

Now go read the whole thing!

Friday Morning Global Warming Smile...

Rachel and the Traffic Delay...

If you don't visit Rachael Lucas' place frequently, you're missing out on some good stuff. From a post she wrote today about a traffic problem she encountered:

And lo, what was the cause? The author of this trouble? The root/source/wellspring of this most infuriating pickle?

Why, of course. It was a young man “driving” along in a nondescript sedan while wearing his baseball cap backward on his head and…wait for it…TEXT MESSAGING ON HIS CELL PHONE.

I pulled up alongside him and glanced over to observe his complete and total tool-ness, and I will admit to the entire internet that I had hateful, violent thoughts of inflicting pain and suffering upon this jackass. For a brief moment, I fantasized about jerking my steering wheel to the left to run him off the road so that I could then get out of my car and kill him with my bare hands. Then I realized how much that scene would suck for me, what with the jail and the wrecked car and all.

Instead, I “calmly” motored past him, yelled the dirtiest curse words I know, and consoled myself with the thought of writing about this assplow on my blog.

The girl can rant, can't she?

Good word, “assplow”...

Email from My Mother...

Just received:

WARNING

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON FRIDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE,
BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE

My own mother. Sniff.

<smile>

Barrel of Bricks...

This is an oldie-but-goodie, well-documented by Snopes as a joke, not reality. But it's still funny as hell:

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

Hillary for SecState!

From Richard Miller, on the notion of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State in the Obama administration (this possibility is the subject of many current rumors):

She’s not too bothered by morals, and assuming at least some devotion to U.S. interests, she might combine a pinch of Machiavelli, two shakes of Tallyrand, perhaps and a maybe even a quarter cup of Henry the K. If Hillary’s moral-free, say-do-and-cry-for-anything standards could be put at the service of U.S. diplomacy (instead of her overweening ambition), the country just might benefit.

Doesn't really sound like a ringing endorsement – at least, not until you consider the alternatives that have been swirling in the rumors. I mean, really, wouldn't you rather have Hillary Clinton than John Kerry as your Secretary of State – no matter what your personal politics? I know I would, though that's a bit like choosing between death by ingestion of used motor oil or death by drowning under an outhouse...

Geekly Humor...

Of the mathematical variety, though for most of them you really don't have to know much about math. There are some on here I didn't “get”, presumably because they're about areas of math I don't know. My favorites were the ones involving statistics. For instance:

Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.

All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"

The pure mathematician: "It's one."

The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."

The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

Ha!

Or this one:

"Isn't statistics wonderful?"

"How so?"

"Well, according to statistics, there are 42 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of those, only about half get hatched. Of those that hatch, three fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year old for one reason or another. Isn't statistics wonderful?"

"What's so wonderful about all that?"

"If it weren't for statistics, we'd be up to our asses in alligators!"

Ha again! Enjoy...

Obsessed Engineer...

Simply amazing.

Memo from the Queen...

Forwarded by Simi L.:

To: the citizens of the United States of America

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of 'ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Morning Laugh...

From my cousin Mike:

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Let the Car Makers Fail...

The chart at right captures very nicely one of the major reasons that U.S. car makers are failing: the legacy labor agreements they're saddled with. The average employee at the Big 3 makes $73/hour (that's $146,000 per year!) – versus less than half that for Toyota's vastly more productive employees.

The right thing to do is to allow the U.S. auto makers to fail. They'll go into Chapter 11 bankruptcy and either shed all the baggage (like these labor agreements) that keep them from being successful, or their assets will be sold off to successful companies. Consumers will win in the long run.

Another reason U.S. car makers are failing is so obvious you'd think someone in government would figure it out: they are not building the cars that U.S. buyers want. Sales of cars built by U.S. makers have fallen dramatically more than sales of cars made by Toyota have fallen. Now legislators, surely you can imagine what the actual reason for that might be? Hint: consumers are willing to pay more for a Toyota Camry (made in the U.S., by the way) than they are for a similar car from a U.S. auto maker. Now why would that be? Could it be...that the Toyota is a better car?

Spreading the Health...

Via Jim M.

At least someone has kept their sense of humor!

Sarah and the Pope...

From my mom:

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south
of Rome in Venice.

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they
will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the
canals of Venice.

They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a
sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this
move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this.
Don't worry."

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the
Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to
the gondola and steps aboard.

She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

"Palin Can't Swim."

Heh! But the sad part is that this story seems entirely plausible...

Photo of the Day...

An erupting volcano in Alaska.

Visualizing the Election...

The image at right is a map, drawn in such a way as to represent the results of the last election.

There's an interesting article about this, along with several other variations of such maps – all representing different ways to visualize the election results.

Mark Steyn, who's sounding quite pessimistic about the election results, writes today about this country's lurch to the left. Here's his conclusion:

I disagree with my fellow conservatives who think the Obama-Pelosi-Reid-Frank liberal behemoth will so obviously screw up that they'll be routed in two or four years' time. The president-elect's so-called "tax cut" will absolve 48 percent of Americans from paying any federal income tax at all, while those who are left will pay more. Just under half the population will be, as Daniel Henninger pointed out in The Wall Street Journal, on the dole.

By 2012, it will be more than half on the dole, and this will be an electorate where the majority of the electorate will be able to vote itself more lollipops from the minority of their compatriots still dumb enough to prioritize self-reliance, dynamism and innovation over the sedating cocoon of the Nanny State. That is the death of the American idea – which, after all, began as an economic argument: "No taxation without representation" is a great rallying cry. "No representation without taxation" has less mass appeal. For how do you tell an electorate living high off the entitlement hog that it's unsustainable, and you've got to give some of it back?

At that point, America might as well apply for honorary membership in the European Union. It will be a nation at odds with the spirit of its founding, and embarking on decline from which there are few escape routes. In 2012, the least we deserve is a choice between the collectivist assumptions of the Democrats, and a candidate who stands for individual liberty – for economic dynamism not the sclerotic "managed capitalism" of Germany; for the First Amendment, not Canadian-style government regulation of approved opinion; for self-reliance and the Second Amendment, not the security state in which Britons are second only to North Koreans in the number of times they're photographed by government cameras in the course of going about their daily business.

In Forbes last week, Claudia Rosett issued a stirring defense of individual liberty. That it should require a stirring defense at all is a melancholy reflection on this election season. Live free – or die from a thousand beguiling caresses of Nanny State sirens.

Don't miss the whole thing “ it's Mr. Steyn at his best...

But somehow the phrase “Nanny State sirens” and the reality of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, etc. seem a bit, er, at odds...

What Am I?

From my mom:

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.”

“That's perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don't know,” said the bunny. “I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!”

The bunny said, “I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician!”

As the Instapundit would say: Heh!

The Pigs Are Lining Up...

The pigs being large corporations, and they're lining up at the Congressional trough to get the “free money” that the government is pouring out of the sky. Scott Adams has it exactly right:


Sigh. What else did we think was going to happen when we started bailing out large companies with incompetent management, who knowingly took and lost big bets?

It took the Democrats about two seconds to realize that this was the best opportunity they've ever had to force their agendas down the throats of American corporations. Pelosi and company are greeting the industrial beggars (like GM, Ford, and Chrysler) with big smiles and open arms. Why? Because they know that if they can cut a deal with those corporations to suck at the teat of the American taxpayer, they will be running those corporations.

Which means that they will be able to manipulate those corporations for their own, personal benefit. For example, imagine that the environmentalist wackos start agitating in Pelosi's district. Whattya wanna bet that within a few days GM will announce a “major initiative” to build solar-powered cars, thanks to the “visionary leadership” of Pelosi? Buried in a footnote somewhere will be the hundred-billion-dollar development subsidy and the fifty-thousand-dollar per car production subsidy.

I can hardly wait...

Singing the Blues...

Oh, how blue we got this time, folks... The graphic at right (click to expand) is courtesy of the New York Times. It shows the election results, county-by-county – but not in terms of the vote this year, but rather in terms of the change in the vote since the 2004 election (in percentages). The blue counties are those that voted more Democratic than in 2004; the red counties more Republican.

Yikes!

I think the Republican leadership better pay attention – the electorate just sent them a message of the spanking kind...

Quote of the Day...

From the Lakes Entertainment announcment of 2008Q3 results (my emphasis):

...partially offset by unrealized losses associated with a decrease in probability of opening the casino project for the Jamul Indian Village due to issues associated with site access.

That's the most pessimistic thing I've seen yet in their financial reports. The next step would be for them to write the whole investment down...