Perils of Gambling

A big “thank you” to SimiL for a good laugh:

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It’s a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.'

This pretty much hits on all cylinders: the good guy wins, he pissed on the IRS, and the lawyer is screwed. Hooray!

Attitude Adjustments

Although many Americans don’t seem to know it, there are foreign journalists embedded with American troops in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Some of these reporters come from countries where strong anti-American sentiment is the norm, and suspicion of the motives and actions of the U.S. military rampant.

Jeff Emmanuel, writing for the American Thinker, thought to look at these reporters and their reactions to being embedded. He discovered that many of these reporters emerge from their “embed” experience with far different attitudes than they held previously. Do go read the whole thing, but here’s a sample:

The most spectacular recent case of a journalist with an anti-war mindset being completely overwhelmed into a change of heart by American soldiers, according to the PAO, was a Greek public television reporter who had been embedded with an infantry unit that became entrenched in a 45-minute firefight with insurgents. Yanked out of the line of fire by a soldier who put the journalist’s life above his own, he waited under cover and in fear of his life for the almost hour-long duration of the battle, with the best view possible of American soldiers in action against an armed and murderous enemy. He credits his having lived to tell the tale directly to those young troops.

"He had tears in his eyes as he talked about it,” said the PAO. “He just kept saying, ‘they saved my life, they saved my life…these are great men; they are heroes.' Even after telling it several times, he couldn’t get through the story without choking up - and this was a man who had arrived here with all of the disdain for the Iraq mission and for the American soldiers who he [like seemingly most Europeans] had seen as the bad guys in this fight."

While it may be decried by some for causing journalists, who claim to be “objective” and “neutral” in their reporting, to lose their cold detachment and actually begin to see the soldiers they live alongside as humans, it is that very fact that makes the practice of embedding reporters with military units so beneficial to both parties. Rather than observing events from a safely detached distance - and thus being able to remove the human element from the equation - embedded reporters are forced to face up to the humanity of their subjects, and to share common experiences - often of the life-and-death variety - with those who they are covering.

Our soldiers are doing us proud over there…

History, Alive and Wriggling

Oh, just click on it!

Fascinating...

Peanut Envy

Over the weekend, Jimmy Carter — former President of the United States (though that’s sometimes hard to believe!) — had this to say:

I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history. The overt reversal of America’s basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including [those of] George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me.

My reaction to that was to simply dismiss it as the addled rambling of a sick and disturbed old man. I pity him, and as an American I find his presence shameful. And I wish he’d move to someplace where they’d appreciate his ceaseless “blame America first” ranting and his manifest Bush derangement syndrome. Like Palestine, for example. Or Venezuela.

But Christopher Hitchens has a different reaction. He says:

"Worst in history,” as the great statesman from Georgia has to know, has been the title for which he has himself been actively contending since 1976. I once had quite an argument with the late Sen. Eugene McCarthy, who maintained adamantly that it had been right for him to vote for Ronald Reagan in 1980 for no other reason. “Mr. Carter,” he said, “quite simply abdicated the whole responsibility of the presidency while in office. He left the nation at the mercy of its enemies at home and abroad. He was the worst president we ever had."

Mr. Hitchens verbally eviscerates the former President in this manner for his entire column, ending with this thought:

The quotation with which I began comes from an interview that he gave last week to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. He also went on the British Broadcasting Corporation to make spiteful and cheap remarks on the retirement of Prime Minister Tony Blair, calling him “loyal, blind, apparently subservient.” Yes, that’s right, Mr. Carter. Just the way to make friends and assert “America’s basic values.” Show us your peanut envy. Heap insults on a guest in Washington: a thrice-elected prime minister who was the first and strongest ally of the United States on the most awful day in its recent history. A man who was prepared to risk his own career to be counted as a friend. A man who was warning against the Taliban, against Slobodan Milosevic, and against Saddam Hussein when George Bush was only the governor of Texas. Leaders like that deserve a little respect even when they are wrong—but don’t expect any generosity or courtesy from the purse-mouthed preacher man from Plains, who just purely knows he was right all along, and who, when that fails, can always point to the numberless godly victories that he won over the forces of evil.

And then there’s the memorable title Mr. Hitchens chose for the column: Peanut Envy.

Purse-mouthed. Ouch.

I wonder if Jimmy is even slightly embarrassed?

I note with disgust (but not surprise) that his fellow Democrats are utterly silent about his ravings…

Oh My God!

Thank you, SimiL:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door!

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life!"

"How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer. “MY ROLEX!!!"

Delightful Movie

Last night, with the excellent company of my wife and our good friend Jim Barnick, we watched the Disney/Pixar animated movie “Cars”. I haven’t enjoyed a movie so much in years.

Though the plot was trite and completely predictable, the characters (all cars!) were wonderfully done, the dialog sweet, cute, and very funny. While there was dialog that most likely would only be understood by adults, there was plenty of appeal for kids. The dialog was modern, but the style — good, squeaky-clean, pure fun — was classic Walt Disney. And the animation was simply spectacular, from front to back. A couple of particular sequences stood out for me: splashing water, and a nighttime scene of blinking neon lights on a city street — but that’s like saying that a couple of Belgian chocolates stood out in a world championship chocolate contest. The whole thing was delectable!

My last visit to a movie theater must be at least five years ago, probably more like ten. That whole experience was awful, completely independently of the movie itself — jam-packed with noisy, rude people, smelling of rancid popcorn, seats covered with who-knows-what (and who wants to know, really?) … and you pay handsomely for this experience. By contrast, our very modest “home theater” has only the audience we want, the excellent company of our friends, cats, and dogs, and … the pause button. Modern electronic miracles give us THX audio and a giant high-quality screen. DVDs (and NetFlix!) give us all the content we could ever want. I cannot understand how the movie theaters stay in business!

Bumper Snicker

I spotted this on the rear bumper of a beat-up Ford pickup truck parked at the Jamul Post Office:

Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun!

As James Taranto might say: Mary Jo Kopechne could not be reached for comment.

Congressional Lunacy

Most of the time, the antics of Congress leave me uncertain whether to laugh or cry. This, though, just makes me mad:

An amendment to the defense authorization bill, introduced by Rep. Robert Andrews (D-N.J.), a member of the armed services panel, failed Wednesday night by a vote of 216-202 with six Republicans voting in favor of the amendment together with 196 Democrats.

Andrews’ amendment, which had strong support from House Armed Services Committee chairman Ike Skelton (D-Mo.), would have prevented funds authorized in the bill for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan from being used to plan a contingency operation in Iran.

The one area where I expect some actual performance from our Federal government is on defense. When I look around the world today for threats (current or potential) to my country, it’s not hard to find them. Certainly Iran would appear on anybody’s list of such threats. Who could think that a country run by the mad mullahs, with a certifiably wacko president, daily threatening to wipe Israel and the United States “off the map", and actively working on nuclear weapons — was not a threat?

So what does Congress do?

They try — and damned near succeed! — to prevent our armed forces from spending any money at all in making contingency plans concerning Iran. Had they succeeded, one could imagine the day when Iran drops a nuke on Tel Aviv, Baghdad, or (via missile) Washington — and our military would be completely hamstrung by the absence of any well-thought out planning. They’d have to respond in a hurried, ill-informed, completely ad hoc fashion. None of the usual preparatory work (especially for logistics chains) would have been done. This is not how we became the world’s greatest military power.

There were 418 House votes on the Andrews amendment. Of those votes, 202 were for the amendment (and 97% of those were Democrats). Could there really be 202 Representatives who are so moronic, so clueless, so suicidal as to vote to cripple this country’s potential response to a belligerent, nuclear-armed Iran?

Apparently, the answer is “yes”.

This vote is actually pretty frightening if you consider that the Democrats are edging closer and closer to an active policy of appeasement and denial of the threat of fundamentalist Islamic fascism. This vote, seen through that lens, looks a lot like preemptive surrender. The word “Islam” means “submission” — and that sure looks like what the Democrats are trying hard to do…

Major Douglas A. Zembiec

A tribute to a fallen warrior.

Now there’s something you just don’t see every day — much to the shame of the American lamestream media. Kudos to the writer (Dan Morse) and his employer (the Washingon Post).

The lead:

The turnout seemed entirely fitting for a Marine who was described — with little apparent hyperbole — as the toughest guy in the house. More than 1,000 mourners, from generals to civilians, packed the Naval Academy Chapel in Annapolis yesterday to honor Maj. Douglas A. Zembiec, who was killed last week outside Baghdad.

Five hours later, after the sound of taps had faded over his coffin at Arlington National Cemetery, came what Zembiec, 34, might have considered the finest tribute of all.

About 40 enlisted men gathered under a tree, telling stories about their former commander. Some had flown in from as far away as California, prompting one officer to observe: Your men have to follow your orders; they don’t have to go to your funeral.

The men knew firsthand how Zembiec, who lived outside Annapolis, had come to be known as the Lion of Fallujah.

This story, read aloud by a close friend (Eric L. Kapitulik), says it all:

While Zembiec was stationed at Camp Pendleton after the Fallujah campaign, his parents visited. Zembiec and his father, Don, drove onto the base to shoot skeet and were stopped at the gate by a young Marine. Are you Captain Zembiec’s father? the Marine asked. Yes, his father said.

"I was with your son in Fallujah,” the Marine said. “He was my company commander. If we had to go back in there, I would follow him with a spoon."

"I would follow him with a spoon."

Sounds like a great epitaph for an American hero.

Don’t you wish we saw more of this in our lamestream media? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to read more stories like this, and read less mindless adoration of Reid, Pelosi, Kennedy, Byrd, etc. — and less equally mindless bashing of Bush?

Global Warming

As my regular readers know, I’m skeptical about anthropogenic (i.e., caused by human activity) global warming. But here’s someone who apparently believes the link between human activity and global warming is much more direct than you might have imagined. This is a letter to the editor of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, published on April 16, 2007:

You may have noticed that March of this year was particularly hot. As a matter of fact, I understand that it was the hottest March since the beginning of the last century. All of the trees were fully leafed out and legions of bugs and snakes were crawling around during a time when, on a normal year, we might see a snowflake or two.

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that the members of Congress would have considered the effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

Perhaps this is another plot by a liberal Congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before Congress passes laws with such far-reaching effects.

Connie M. Meskimen

Hot Springs

This is so sad on so many levels…

Of course, there’s a good joke line or two in here. Something in the water in Hot Springs, perhaps. Or something about the hicks in Arkansas. A friend suggested that perhaps the author was also a member of the Flat Earth Society, and another responded that perhaps she’d already fallen off!

But what sticks in my head about this is my own personal experiences with scientific illiteracy, and the frequent polls done showing that only small percentages of our adult population realize that the moon is a satellite of the earth, that sound doesn’t travel in space, that water is a compound of hydrogen and oxygen, and so on ad nauseum.

The icing on the cake, of course, is how the basic science misunderstanding leads straight into a cuckoo conspiracy theory. Too rich!

Quote of the Day

From Ann Coulter, in response to the recent French election of pro-American, anti-Islamic fascism President Nicholas Sarkozy:

The Democratic Party is now officially the only organization on Earth that does not take the threat of Islamic fascism seriously. Between the Democrats and the media, America has gone from its usual position as the world’s last hope to radical Islam’s last hope.

Ouch!

How NOT To Run A War

Oh, my. Now we find a Gitmo detainee filing a lawsuit claiming that he is being “tortured” — by under-inflated balls, unscented deodorant, and the absence of a DVD player. Click on the picture to see the details.

I mean, really — is this any way to run a war? Is our objective to win, or to lose? Permitting nonsense like this, with straight faces, truly makes me wonder…

Sigh.

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun.

Global Warming Skeptics

In my reading this morning, I found this interesting article in a most unlikely place:

Climate Momentum Shifting: Prominent Scientists Reverse Belief in Man-made Global Warming - Now Skeptics

Growing Number of Scientists Convert to Skeptics After Reviewing New Research

Following the U.S. Senate’s vote today on a global warming measure it is an opportune time to examine the recent and quite remarkable momentum shift taking place in climate science. Many former believers in catastrophic man-made global warming have recently reversed themselves and are now climate skeptics. The names included below are just a sampling of the prominent scientists who have spoken out recently to oppose former Vice President Al Gore, the United Nations, and the media driven “consensus” on man-made global warming.

The list below is just the tip of the iceberg. A more detailed and comprehensive sampling of scientists who have only recently spoken out against climate hysteria will be forthcoming in a soon to be released U.S. Senate report. Please stay tuned to this website, as this new government report is set to redefine the current climate debate.

In the meantime, please review the list of scientists below and ask yourself why the media is missing one of the biggest stories in climate of 2007. Feel free to distribute the partial list of scientists who recently converted to skeptics to your local schools and universities. The voices of rank and file scientists opposing climate doomsayers can serve as a counter to the alarmism that children are being exposed to on a daily basis.

Where did I find it? On the U.S. Senate’s web site, in the section from the Senate Committee on Environment & Public Works (EPW), where you can (and should!) read the whole thing…

Fred vs. Michael

This is laugh-out-loud funny -- and devastatingly effective politics...

This morning, Michael Moore (the revolting "creator" of Fahrenheit 911) challenged Fred Thompson to a "Presidential" debate. This is wacky on several counts, including the fact that Fred Thompson isn't even in the race yet, and the fact that no candidate in their right mind -- on either side -- would debate a mindless, slimy, jiggling ball of self-righteous ignorance like Michael Moore.

Most candidates would simply ignore the squeals of a such a pig, figuring they wouldn't want to raise the likes of Michael Moore up in anyone's estimation (including his own) by deigning to respond. I'm pretty sure most PR flacks would recommend that approach. Which makes it all the more surprising to see this video response by Fred Thompson just a few hours after Michael Moore's "challenge".

If Fred keeps up this kind of fast, sharp, no-holds-barred politicking, he just might end up with my vote. He's got my interest and my full attention right now...

Cat Humor

These are funny to anyone, but probably most of all to anyone who is owned by a cat (or eight of them, like us):

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” — Dave Platt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” — Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” — Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” — Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” — Jeff Valdez

"In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” — English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” — Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another.” — Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” — Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” — Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” — Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” — Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” — Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” — Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” — Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” — Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.” — Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted.” — Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” — Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” — Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” — Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.” — Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.” — Anonymous

"Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” — Anonymous

What Knot To Do

Courtesy of Mother Earth News, a handy-dandy chart with clear instructions for the ten most useful knots you can tie. As usual, click on the picture at right to get a large version…

Impress your friends, too!

Vietnam vs. Iraq

Study the graph at right for a few minutes (click on it to get a larger version).

What’s your reaction?

If (like me) you’re old enough to remember the news reports during the Vietnam war, you might have the same reaction I did: the anti-war agitation in the media now is at least roughly similar to what we saw in the late 1960s and (especially) the early 1970s — but the casualties we suffered in Vietnam dwarfed the casualties we’re suffering in Iraq, and clearly the level of anti-war emotion in today’s American public doesn’t even come close to the anti-war emotion in the public toward the end of Vietnam, when we had many anti-war riots and (as I can personally attest) soldiers and sailors were routinely disrespected and reviled.

What do you think is going on here?

Quote of the Day

Unknown source:

"Political correctness” is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

Quote of the Day

Richard Perle:

George Tenet and, more important, our premier intelligence organization managed to find weapons of mass destruction that did not exist while failing to find links to terrorists that did—all while missing completely the rise of Islamist fundamentalism. We have made only a down payment on the price of that failure.

So that’s what an articulate bitch-slapper sounds like!

U.N. Insanity

In what alternative universe does this actually make sense?

Zimbabwe, which is enduring economic collapse and environmental degradation, could become chairman of the UN’s Commission on Sustainable Development when a formal vote of its 53 members takes place today.

If so, Francis Nhema, Mr Mugabe’s environment and tourism minister, will lead the body charged with monitoring the world’s pledges made at the Earth Summit in Rio de Janeiro in 1992.

By any rational measure I can think of, Zimbabwe would be one of the last countries we’d look to for leadership on anything (other than, perhaps, thuggery and maintenance of gerontological dictatorships). On “sustainable development” in particular, Zimbabwe has an admirable record … of the exact opposite! Their economic infrastructure has completely imploded under Mugabe’s rule. A once-thriving economy has degenerated into one of Africa’s worst economic basket-cases — and if you know anything about Africa, you know it’s tough to stand out amongst their economic basket-cases.

And yet the U.N. is quite likely to hand control of the U.N. Commission on Sustainable Development. Sadly, we can’t even claim this is some sort of bureaucracy fart — the U.N. really does seem to make a habit of this particular flavor of ludicrousness. Remember when the U.N. Commission on Human Rights was chaired by Libya?

It’s past time to simply get rid of the U.N. It’s doing more harm than good in the world. The few branches of it that are actually doing defensible work should be “spun out” into standalone charitable efforts — and the rest of it demolished. Some sort of monument at Turtle Bay would be appropriate — the inscription could read:

Here once stood the headquarters of an organization created with the idea that all nations were created equal. After some experience, it became clear that all nations were not created equal, so the experiment was terminated.