Dead Penguins...

Via my lovely bride:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the nearby snow, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe I know anything about penguins, did you?  In the Dilatush family, the correct response to something like this is: “Sigh!”

Things Confucius Did Not Say...

Via reader Simi L.:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally Confucius also didn't say: A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

A Visual Pun...

Via friend and colleague Aleck L.:

Ha!

Just Awful...

These really bad puns are courtesy of reader Simi L., who says “These are so bad I just had to send them...”

• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
• If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

I thought some of those were actually pretty good :)

Twenty Groaners...

...via reader Simi L.  Some of these I've heard before, but many are new to me:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. MahatmaGandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did?

That's quite enough for now, don't you think?

Groan...

Reader Dave H. passes this along, saying

“If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, then obviously you are in the...”

Things Confucious Didn't Say...

Via reader Dr. Simi L.:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Pun of the Day...

Via FailBlog:

Happy Tool Valley...

This evening, in the parking lot of our favorite restaurant, we saw “Happy Tool Valley” emblazoned across the doors of a pickup truck.  Took us a few moments to realize what we were seeing: a pun that only a local would recognize.

Because, you see, "Happy Tool Valley" is pronounced very much like Japatul Valley (HOP-a-tool VAL-ee), which we drove through to get to the restaurant!

Don't Read This...

Can you believe this?  My own mother tortures me with an absolutely awful Halloween-themed pun:

A man is walking home   alone late one foggy Halloween night,  when behind him he hears:

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking  faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an  upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward  him...

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins  to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind  him.

FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....

He runs up to  his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and  locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door,  with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the  terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,  he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the  casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and  clapping toward him.

The man screams  and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!  Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and the coffin stops.

Murder at the Safeway...

Also via my wife (who's on a roll today!):

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.  

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT SAFEWAY!'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

This is dedicated to my dad, who will know why.

Groan...

A collection of groan-inducing puns, forwarded by my cousin Mike:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
   
   
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
   
   
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
   
   
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
   
   
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.|
   
   
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
   
   
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
   
   
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
   
   
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
   
   
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    
    
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    
    
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    
    
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
    
    
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    
    
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    
    
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
    
    
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    
    
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
    
    
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    
    
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    
    
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
    
    
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    
    
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    
    
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Groan, indeed!