Cop vs. Lawyer...

Via my mom, who reminds me (as if I could forget!) that she's part Scottish:

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow policeman.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow police's expense!!

Glasgow cop: "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What for?"

Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says: "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glaswegian takes out his baton, and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer, and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

She's part Scottish, but we don't want to know what other part is...

Sharp Testimony

Tip of the hat to Anil for this good one:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility.

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?"

A: “The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: “Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: “Yes sir, we do."

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: “Yes sir, I do."

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: “Yes sir."

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Time to Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn."

To which, the old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."