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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Sunday, July 4, 2010
Australian Humor...
Well, not really – Snopes says it's fake, and has been rewritten for other countries as well. But the snide answers are still funny as hell. Via my faithful reader and mom:
The Ongoing Creation Story...
Via my mom:
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.The devil you say!
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs and is now working on OBAMACARE.
Happy Independence Day!
It's sunny and cool (just 67°F as I write this) here; a simply gorgeous day. I played the video below just a few minutes ago and greatly enjoyed it; I hope you do as well...
Chaocipher Revealed...
John Byrnes' Chaocipher has long intrigued cryptanalysts, mainly because how it worked was never revealed and nobody could be sure that it was even real. That has now changed: the entire system is now in the public domain, and it's both real and clever...
What Do You Get...
What do you get when you combine a cell phone with a camera, a few LEDs, and some very clever software? A biological microscope, that's what.
Aydogan Ozcan's fiendishly ingenious idea is to use the processing power of the computer in modern cell phones to analyze an image taken with special side-lighting to create the equivalent of an expensive microscope for just a few dollars worth of plastic and LEDs. Bravo!
Aydogan Ozcan's fiendishly ingenious idea is to use the processing power of the computer in modern cell phones to analyze an image taken with special side-lighting to create the equivalent of an expensive microscope for just a few dollars worth of plastic and LEDs. Bravo!
Motivational Posters, Founding Fathers Edition...
The Economic Distortion of Criminalization...
So the drug lords are financing the design and clandestine construction of a sophisticated, high technology, stealth submarine to deliver tons of cocaine to the U.S. market. That can't be cheap – millions of dollars, certainly. This only makes economic sense because cocaine is an illegal substance. Take away the legal issue and transporting cocaine on high-tech submarines would be ridiculous. It's very reminiscent of what happened during Prohibition – the high-tech of the day was liberally deployed in alcohol smuggling, and on a very similar scale (in economic terms). The only interesting difference is that the physical volume of modern day illegal substances is much smaller than the physical volume of alcohol.
It's time to reconsider our drug criminalization laws. Their only real beneficiaries are the drug lords and their submarine designers...
Today We Celebrate...
It's still just us, in the United States. But maybe someday everyone will be able to celebrate their freedom from tyranny...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Quote of the Day...
By James Taranto, in Best of the Web Today:
We'd say anyone who thinks that John Kerry's passion is the answer is asking the wrong question.Oh, yes. Yes, they are.
Your Chance to Grade Obama...
CBS is currently running a poll to see what Americans think of Obama's performance. Surprisingly they're allowing people to see the results (after taking the poll), and they ain't purty Have your say, and see what your fellow Americans are thinking...
Dolphins...
My mom forwarded a video of a “dolphin stampede” in the Sea of Cortez. I've seen such things myself, while in the U.S. Navy cruising in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. A little searching on YouTube turned up this video taken off the coast of San Diego. Wherever these “stampedes occur,” they're really something to watch...
Thank You, Mr. President...
My mom forwarded this letter to me (by email). I did some poking around the inter-tubes, trying to locate its origin – this is the closest thing I could find, and I won't call it authoritative by any means. But whatever the letter's provenance, it raises some interesting points (some of which I've raised myself on this blog). The general point is that Obama's incompetence and socialist tilt have roused the ire of many Americans – which has already played out to the Democrat's sorrow (think Scott Brown), and looks like it will do even more so come this November...
Written by a 82 year old very wise lady. She gives us a whole new slant on the amazing job Obama is doing:
That is right - I will say it "(THANK GOD FOR THE PRESIDENT)."
1. He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine - Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something that no Republican was ever able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!
2. He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty - No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!
3. He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!
Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit
Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit
Byron Dorgan had never lost a race - quit
Harry Reid - soon to be GONE
These are just a handful of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be gone.
In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party. In just one year, Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.
4. He has completely exposed liberals and progressives for what they are. Every Generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well.
Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check
Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check
Liberals want to take over the economy - check
Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check
Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check
5. He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan. In one year he has rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America !
6. His amazing leadership has sparked the greatest period of sales of firearms and ammunition this country has seen. Law abiding citizens have rallied and have provided a "stimulus" to the sporting goods field while other industries have failed, faded or moved off-shore.
7. In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I have been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends and strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat wrong.
8. When the American People wake up no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them!
Barack Obama woke up these Great Americans! Again I want to say Thank You Barack Obama! This is exactly the kind of hope and change we desperately needed.
You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Pelosi and the Voters...
Here's serial idiot Pelosi with another outrageously stupid pronouncement (this time, that unemployment benefits are the fastest way to create new jobs).
But she's downright brilliant compared to the voters who have returned her to office every two years for the past 24 years.
But she's downright brilliant compared to the voters who have returned her to office every two years for the past 24 years.
Scary Charts...
The dotted line at the end of the current recession's line shows something interesting – the job situation with the effects of the census-taker jobs removed. For the 2010 census the federal government hired almost 400,000 temporary workers – more than ten times the hiring in any previous census. (Side note: the administration tried to justify this hiring as a stimulus measure – ludicrous given the temporary nature of the jobs – but almost certainly the real motivation was to distort the census numbers in a way that would favor Democratic-leaning regions. According to some estimates, nearly 80% of the census-takers worked in districts that voted for Obama.)
But to some extent the books have been cooked: these days the official unemployment number is (in my opinion) artificially lowered by removing those people deemed to have stopped looking for work. This month a half million people were removed from the unemployment number for that reason; without this ”adjustment” the number would have gone up. I am very suspicious of arbitrary adjustments like this – it's something that cannot be directly measured, is therefore estimated, and is therefore subject to political pressure. If these adjustments are removed from the current number (as they are for pre-2000 numbers), the current unemployment would be approximately 11.9% – and we would have been over 9% for 19 months right now.
My conclusion is that this recession is far deeper and broader than the government announcements would have us believe. For political reasons the Obama administration is hiding the truth from us – at least until after the mid-term elections in November...
Friday, July 2, 2010
For a Camouflage Person...
Read the story.
Hamas Garbage Trucks...
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